Good morning, dear Kruiser Morning Briefing fanatics. Kruiser is off again today. The rumors are false: He did not grab the wheel from his limo driver and try to drive to the Capitol. He did, however, ask me to relay the following messages:
- he misses you
- he is almost but not quite ready to see you
- it’s not you, it’s him
- send more IPAs
Where’s the Beef?
You want beef? I got your beef, right here! I’ve got beef for DAYS!
My mom taught me to never hate, but she is long dead and I’m a grown man. I will hate anyone or anything I choose. I’ve earned the right to detest the detestable.
A sampling of things I hate:
- Cookie-flavored M&Ms
We don’t have a BBQ big enough for all these beefs, so I shall pick two.
Beef # 1- Commies
Today’s first point of the Morning Beefing is commies. I hate them with a passion I usually reserve for the song “We Built This City” and every cast member of “The View.”
Pinkos are wretched, miserable hags who have failed at everything. They live to destroy. If THEY have to be miserable, so does the rest of the world.
Commies remind me of my cousin Chuck. Chuck’s life sucks because Chuck is an abdominous gay man who hasn’t made an attempt to lose an ounce of weight in the 51 years he has been alive. I suspect his mom (my aunt) told him he was “good enough as he is” and Chuck foolishly believed her. Chuck’s mom lied (she was a drinker). Like my mom, she is dead–so let’s have at it.
FACT-O-RAMA! I am the oldest living male Downey in my branch of the Downey family tree and I am only 56. We die young and beautiful. Have you SEEN my hair?
Back to my cousin. Chuck is a pink-haired Antifa terrorist. I tolerate Chuck during the holidays; then we don’t speak for another year. I am cordial.
“Hey Chuck, Merry Christmas.”
“Hello, Kevin. Maybe it is for you,” he grumbles back while appearing to eat one of the 14 bags of caramel corn he bought, half-priced, the day after Halloween. Or perhaps those are just his discolored teeth.
Chuck, in true bolshie style, does everything he can to ruin Christmas for everyone else. Ditto Thanksgiving and the July Fourth family cookout. He complains at every family gathering, yet he doesn’t stay home to wallow in self-pity. Why? Because it’s his mission to ruin everyone else’s day and try to bring the rest of the family down to his self-inflicted hell. While most Downeys are getting tipsy and preparing to fight, Chuck sneaks off to watch goblin porn (it’s a thing, TRUST ME). Chuck is a commie. A big, fat, miserable commie. We need to rid our country of commies like Chuck.
Communists have never been successful at anything except spreading misery. They are hateful, unloveable prags who sissy-fit over everything from grandma’s choice of Christmas carols to the fact that “Obamacare wasn’t free.”
Commies live to destroy. They won’t just “go away.” They must be punished and persuaded to never come back. They will disappear, hide, and return, kind of like human herpes.
Misery is their religion and, as Morrissey once sang, every day is like Sunday. Bolshies only understand one message: pain.
The Democrat Party has been hijacked by commies like Chuck. Don’t feel bad for them. Just don’t cave in to their misery. Valtrex those chancroids into hibernation and enjoy your holidays like you used to!
Beef # 2- Dingos
FACT-O-RAMA! Dingos carried my mother away. Dingos was the Mexican gardener. I told my dad not to hire him.
Here Is Where I Recommend Other Articles From PJ MEDIA!
Victoria Taft knows; now you know too! California’s Newsom Loads Billions Into the Cash Cannon to Pay Off Voters in November
Matt Margolis has one of the best dogs in the galaxy, but this article is not about his dog. Send him a message and maybe–MAYBE–he’ll post a pic of his pooch. White House Face Plants Doing Damage Control After Migrant Death Disaster
I am not a veterinarian, but Jeff Reynolds is a puppy sick Overdoses Up 700% After Oregon Decriminalizes Hard Street Drugs. Officials Mystified.
You know him as “Mr. Pundit”; I call him “Vodka” because I’m COOL, baby! Insanity Wrap: Was Hunter’s Russian Escort Paid for by Joe?
Chris Queens is a GREAT guy AND he has a book I highly recommend called Neon Crosses
Kurt Schlichter- Go full Ron Swanson and get the carry permit The Constitution Is My Gun Permit
You knew THIS was coming and so did Julio Rosas Oops: J6 Committee Star Witness’ Creditability About Trump Might Take a Huge Hit
My home state! “Astonishing defeat”: Michigan supreme court unanimously rebukes state AG’s office in Flint water case, dismisses all indictments
Report: Secret Service prepared to testify that Trump incident described by Hutchinson didn’t happen
Access to Chemical Abortion Will Be the New Battleground
This will NEVER stop being funny to me 2A attorney warns Denver: lose your ban on concealed carry in parks or prepare to be sued
It’s ALMOST like the “pinko-Americans” want us vulnerable National Guard Troops to Face Dismissal for Choosing Not to Get the COVID Vaccine
Repeat after me, “Red flags laws are BAD” CRPA: California “data breach” exposes personal details of concealed carry holders
Yes, THAT Allen West Does the Progressive Socialist Left Read the Constitution?
VIP (you can afford it!)
It’s actually been happening for years but,… It Took the Death of 50 Illegal Immigrants for the Media to Admit There’s a Problem at the Border
I can’t believe people still pay this ass-clown LOL! Paul Krugman Admits (Again) That He Was Wrong on Inflation
Don and Ron, the Dream Team What I Don’t Want to See: Trump vs DeSantis in 2024
My Magic 8-ball says “DUH! Is COVID Now a Pandemic of the Vaccinated?
Did I mention this columnist has GREAT hair? This Is NOT the America Our Soldiers Fought and Died For
Did Putin have a health scare last weekend?
I watch about 15 minutes worth of otter videos per day. Now you will too!
Cute otter pups need a little encouragement from mum and dad going into the water pic.twitter.com/DK0YechYK5
— The Sun (@TheSun) June 27, 2022